When Seminary Doesn't Stop The Doubt

I think when I started seminary I secretly believed it meant my issues would magically resolve on their own. I thought that since I was trusting God enough to uproot everything I knew and loved, I would feel like I had arrived to the place I always belonged and that everything I did would be exceptionally fulfilling. More than that, I think I wanted to believe that in loving God and loving others well, everything in my life would start to make sense. That all of my questions about life, God, and broken people would suddenly be answered.

In complete honesty though-- the longer I'm here, the more I realize just how broken I am. I had deluded myself into believing that seminary would stop doubt from ever seeping in. But I have cracks and leaks and although they start small, without even realizing it, they grow and doubt begins controlling my thoughts more than I'd like to admit. Some pieces to life just never seem to fit right.

You see, no matter how much time I spend with Jesus, the world is still a broken place that's really hard to live in some days. I'm still a sojourner. In my naivety, I thought that seminary was a cure for this but in the last year and a half I've seen a lot of hard, horrible things happen and I've had a lot of moments where I question what God is doing and why certain things in life have to be the way they are. Thoughts, fears, and deep seeded insecurities won't disappear over night. They certainly didn't get left back home when I moved across the country for school, and won't go away until they're addressed now in the present.

I wish I could say that being in seminary has brought me to a place where I don't have doubts anymore. What I'm perpetually rediscovering is that hard things are going to happen no matter what season of life we're in and we won't always (if ever) understand. That's when I need to cling to God the most.

Doubt is real, but so is hope. So I respond by seeking God. Seminary may not have been the missing ingredient in the elixir that I was hoping would bring my life to a perfect place of peace, but life here has definitely helped me realize my desperate need for a Savior all the more. I think Brennan Manning says it best in this quote:

"We presume that trust will ease confusion, dull the pain, redeem the times... Our trust does not bring final clarity on this earth. It does not still the chaos or dull the pain or provide a crutch. When all else is unclear, the heart of trust says, 'Into your hands I commend my spirit.'"

With that, I leave you with this song by Noah Gundersen. I am pretty sure I've listened to is 1,000 times over the years and it never ceases to grab me. We're naturally inquisitive beings, and that's okay. Let's live in a world where we can openly admit that we have weaknesses and doubts, knowing that God is bigger and working in the midst of it. Let's journey on together.