Monday, October 14, 2013

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

This past Friday and Saturday I was in the second weekend of a three weekend Research Methods and Statistics class. To answer the questions I know you’re thinking in your head the answers are all: Yes. 

Yes, this is cruel and unusual punishment for a counseling major.
Yes, apparently they do teach math in seminary.
And yes, I did use almost every expletive I know whilst attempting to calculate standard deviation and z-scores. Sorry again Kristen (and that's both to my mother for the language itself and the poor girl sitting next to me who had to endure it.)

Spending this much time with people provides a lot of insight through class discussions. Often more insight than I would like. To help out fellow seminarians (and really anyone in school at all) let me provide you with some ways to lose credibility and alienate yourself in class discussions.

  1. Always refer to the professor by their first name.
  2. Always tell a five minute story whenever you’re called on.
  3. Always raise your hand to “ask a question” while really just sharing your opinion and using the classroom as your own personal platform.
  4. Laugh obnoxiously loud at every. single. joke. the professor makes. I mean, they can’t all be funny-- even the professors admit that some of their jokes aren’t that good.
  5. Perpetually be on Facebook but then share your opinion as though you’ve been listening the whole time.
  6. Try to suck up to the prof by helping with technical issues even though you’re still using AOL. Real talk-- this happened in class once. I think she was trying to use dial-up in class.
  7. Ask the professor questions about their 15 minute slideshow of recent vacation pictures. Just like the jokes can't all be funny, the pictures can't all be good.
  8. Ask the prof for additional assignments. More real talk-- this also happened in class once. Homeboy straight up raised his hand and asked, “Aren’t we all here to learn as much as we can? Shouldn’t we all just have these extra assignments all the time?” Funny enough, that’s probably the closest I’ve been to punching someone in the nose in class.
  9. Make “mmms” and “ahhs” really, really loudly at every remotely profound thing anyone says all class.
  10. Wear a fedora and/or sunglasses in class. Come on y’all-- our classrooms don’t even have windows. Why the hell are you wearing sunglasses? 

Now, I enjoy great class discussions so I say this because I love you-- if you’re going to do any of the above mentioned activities you’re setting yourself for some resentment. Also some failure. Probably both. 

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