Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Worth the Weight, Worth the Wait

A lot of times in seminary I feel like the odd ball.
I feel like the shoe that's just a half size too small that you think you can make work but one hour in you're already regretting your choice (any guys feel me on that one too, or just the ladies?)
I feel like the clumsy, bad influence.
I feel like I'm perpetually trying to understand the people around me and then failing when I don't naturally want to talk about things like dispensationalism.
I feel like the kid in class that's jumping up and down, with their hand in the air waiting to be chosen but never is (which coincidentally I always was in gym class, but that's for different reasons.)
Simply put, I feel like I'm perpetually walking on egg shells and banana peels combined and it's been three years of doing it poorly.

Being in seminary, I feel like I have people perpetually telling me things like "When you know who you are in Christ, other people's words and actions don't affect you the way they used to because you're secure in who you are. You know your worth." I'm going to call BS on that one. I still feel just as out of place and out of sorts as I did in various situations growing up. Except now I would like my mother to remedy it with sangria instead of chocolate milk.

Now, I made a deal with myself for the year 2014 that goes like this: Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. I even wrote it out as my annual paper art resolution (that's how you know it's serious.)
I know I can't change other people's words and actions but I can change my own. I stumbled across this quote form Chinwe Ohanele that says, "What is my worth, if I cannot be attractive? What is my worth if I cannot attract attention? What is my worth if I am not dainty? What is my worth, if I am not skilled in the kitchen? What is my worth if I am not soft-spoken? The language of feminism was meant to answer those questions by reminding women, and men who live outside the self-prescribed boxes of gender, that your worth is inherent, it arrived when you were born, it stays with you long after you die."

So that it what I am carrying into this year, into this last stretch of an uncomfortable season.
I am being kind to myself and remembering my inherent worth.
I am remembering that I try to be caring and compassionate.
I am remembering that I want to love people well, where they are at.
I am remembering that we all feel a little out of sorts and sometimes just need someone to cry with.
I am remembering that my roommate says I give food away like our apartment is a soup kitchen.
I am remembering that at my core, I seek to be altruistic because of Jesus.

Feeling my worth in those truths makes it far, far easier to be kind to myself. My hope is that in some way, you are able to feel your inherent worth as well. It is not dependent upon any person or thing. You have it because you are here. You are alive. And so tomorrow, we press on.


  1. Keep it up you sweet sweet soul! Be vulnerable, never fearful. Be you, because you are amazing, your light, your smile, your presence brightens the darkest room. Oh and I tend to identify with the soup kitchen...it never disappoints to feed another soul. Love you just as you are! Namaste, Anice

  2. Thoughtful, extremely transparent and brutally honest. You are one of a kind, honey. I love you and I'm more proud of you than I know how to fully express. May God continue to bless you and keep you. (and that's not just "shoot Christians say") :-) You're awesome.